


spam is good actually

by EgNogg



Category: Campaign (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Pesterlog Format, campaign is the only piece of star wars related media i have EVER consumed, headcanons that are clearly just me projecting, the witching hour ramblings of a madwoman possessed by literally the shittiest muse ever, this is bad but at least its short, written in a feverish panic at the dead of night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-20 16:12:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18996070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EgNogg/pseuds/EgNogg
Summary: inspired by the “spam is good actually” conversation i have had with every one of my non polynesian friends, presented as a short dialogue-centric fic in the only way my awful, awful monkey brain knows how





	spam is good actually

**Author's Note:**

> im sending this in as my application essay to clown college

Tryst: what is this.

Bacta: Spam.

Tryst: Yes I can _see_ that , why do we have two dozen cans of spam

Bacta: What’s wrong with spam? We used to eat this all the time during the Clone Wars.

Tryst: Just because something is nostalgic doesn’t mean it’s  _ good _

Tryst: Do you even know what kind of meat is in there? That could be vornskrs for all you know. That could be humans.

Bacta: I’ve seen you eat hotdogs before.

Tryst: Hotdogs are different

Bacta: Literally _in_ _ no way _ are hotdogs different

Tryst: Hotdogs aren’t slimy

Bacta: Wait.

Bacta: Do you think you‘re supposed to eat it straight out of the can?

Tryst: Uh, yeah?

Tryst: It says pre cooked on there, why would you cook it again?

Bacta: Hotdogs are pre cooked! No one eats hotdogs straight from the package!

Leenik: I do sometimes

Tryst: I think it’s assumed at this point that general statements describing things normal people do and don’t do do not apply to you, Leenik.

Bacta: I might regret asking this, but why in  _kriff’s_ name do you eat cold hotdogs?

Leenik: Well I feed them to Tony and what kind of parent would I be if I gave my child food that I wouldn’t eat myself?

Bacta: You could just give him cooked hotdogs then, why would you put yourself through that

Leenik: I mean they’re not that bad. Most things on Rodia are pretty slimy, it feels a little bit like home

Tryst: Again,  _just because something is nostalgic doesn’t mean it’s good_

Lyn: Oh, Bacta’s back—why did you get so much spam?

Bacta: Because they were on sale and spam is good.

Lyn: Spam is gross.

Tryst: Well he says you’re not supposed to eat it cold

Lyn: Of course you’re not supposed to eat it cold, what kind of idiot doesn’t know you have to reheat spam?

Bacta: Reheat?

Lyn: Yeah, like in the microwave.

Bacta:  _Microwave?!_

Bacta: I—Karking unbelievable. It’s Bacta Basics time and you’re all gonna learn how to do spam!

Leenik: I already made dinner though. There’s chicken salad sandwiches in the fridge.

 

==> Bacta: Open the Fridge

You find a rotisserie chicken slathered in mayonnaise with several pieces of bread slapped onto it.

 

Bacta: Leenik, this is wonderful and I fully support your interest in cooking, but I think you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what counts as sandwiches.

Leenik: This is food between multiple pairs of bread slices. This is sandwiches.

Lyn: He has a point.

Tryst: Yeah, what do you say to that?

Bacta: We’re not getting into the sandwich argument again.

Bacta: Don’t you want to actually learn how to make ham?

Leenik: This isn’t ham, this is cubes.

Bacta: It’s ham in cube form.

Leenik: So you‘re gonna insult my sandwiches to my face, and then, in the same breath, tell me that this is “ham in cube form.”

Tryst: That might not even be ham! That could be vornskrs! That could be Rodians!

Leenik: I‘m not taking ham advice from someone trying to convince me it can exist in  _cube form._

Bacta: Can you just start on the rice, then? Do you know how to use the rice cooker?

Tryst: We have a rice cooker?

Bacta: I’ve made rice  _several_   times in the past month, where did you think the rice came from?

Tryst: That‘s not the kind of thing I spend time or energy thinking about.

Bacta: Okay, we’re stepping back from square one—you are not supposed to eat cold spam—to square negative one—we have a rice cooker. 

**Author's Note:**

> i had no idea where i was going with this so it just ends really abruptly sry


End file.
